Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
