I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
