for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
