Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
do herpes really smell.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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