If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
