bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
