seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
40s are totally the cure
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
