May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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