Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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