I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
