You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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