they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
