70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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