he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
