My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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