So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
