my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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