You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I see more hoeing in ur future
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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