There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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