My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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