I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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