it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
