It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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