But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
