My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
