WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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