Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You took a bar mat shot.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
