Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
