I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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