in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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