im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
