you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
