Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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