My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
