Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
