You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
