I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
