He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
