I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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