I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
