that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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