So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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