first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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