When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
