if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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