I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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