Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
