I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
