the condom got lost in my hair
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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