Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
