sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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