I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
